HappyMom??

I am almost 30 years old. I am married to a wonderful man. I live on a picturesque block, with great neighbors. I have a beautiful little boy quickly approaching 2 years old and very very smart. But I just can't seem to find happiness. Whats wrong with me?

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Just Another Sunday

I wake up everyday and force my self out of bed. Will today be better than yesterday? It never seems to be, most days are worse. And everytime I feel it cant get any worse, it does. I just want to have a day that makes me happy again. I know some day my husband will be tired, tired of taking care of me, tired of helping me, tired of looking at me. I would get tired of me. I am a pathetic mess!I am never happy, I am never excited. All I want to do is sit around. I know I can't, I can't let other people see how pathetic I am. I can't let other people see how much I am struggling. What would they think. More importantly when did I start caring what other people think. Oh, I remember, I starting caring what other people think when I realized that I had no friends left. none. My husband is my friend, I think. He thinks I have friends. But I don't. Does this happen to other people? Do other people suddenly not have friends. I had a large social circle at one time. Lots of friends. When good things happened, I had a lot of people to call and tell. Then one day, they were all gone. I don't even remember them leaving. Just one day, they are not there anymore. I don't really m iss a lot of them. I remember things about them at times, things that make me smile, and then I get sad that they are not here. So I don't really think of them any more. But times like now, now I need friends. I just need that one girlfriend. That girl who drops everything when her confidant is in a time of need. I am in a time of need. Desperate time of need. I love my husband, but he never knows what to say. Ever. And why would he. He doesn't truly know how sad I am at times. I try to tell him. He knows we are in a bad place, but he doesn't know how badly I am taking it. I feel like such a loser. We don't have any money. I want to give my son a good life, and I can't even afford to make my car payments. I keep thinking it will turn around, and sometimes it does, a little. And then it gets worse. I don't have time to clean the house, I don't have the money to grocery shop and make decent meals any more. And I don't have the time to think about just how sad I really am. I really wanted that baby. And I am so so afraid to try again. I can't handle it. I don't know why I lost it, but I can't handle losing another one. I am so very sorry for all those women that have suffered multiple loses, I lost just one and its killing me. I started smoking again, I don't want to take care of my self, I realized how pathetic I am, and I am so very very empty inside. There is a part of me missing now. What do I do? I wish there was someone that could tell me.

2 Comments:

  • At 5:48 PM, Blogger Happy Homemaker said…

    hello there. I'm SallySue; I just recently started at blogger. I think we have lots in common being a happyhomemaker. check out my blog and don't be afraid to comment.
    -SallySue

     
  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger Debi said…

    Read the Book of Mormon

     

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